Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Back to Life

Quite honestly, I only came onto here to delete this thing, then after reading a few posts I realized I wanted to keep it. I've always enjoyed writing and I do like being able to look back and see what I was up to. Brings back good memories. 

So, back at it. As the title implies, I just recently feel as though I have gotten back to life. Just about a year ago when my Dad passed away my life completely changed. I said soon after he died that I felt as though I had died that day too. I of course went through all the normal stages of grief and extreme depression. Up until now I had been pretty reluctant to talk about what happened, and to be honest still am a little bit. I am not going to share everything or go into deep details, but I do think its important to get out some of this. If not for my benefit but maybe for someone else. 

More or less, just a few days after my Dad died I knew I wasn't the same. All the normal death related responsibilities fell onto me. At the time I was already pretty busy with work, racing and other life duties etc. This hit me like a tidal wave. This, paired with the grief of his loss, the publics eye/thoughts/judgements and opinion's on what was going on and various other ugly difficulties raised their head. With everything that was going on, racing and training suffered, among other things. I had at the time just only seen the tip iceberg when it came to the depression and this didn't equate to great fitness or a good head by any means. 

The past 12 months have been the craziest 12 months of life. Hands down. Prior to all of this, I had felt like a half way matured 23 year old, where as now I feel like an extra 10 years have been taken from my life and almost shake my head in disbelief when I tell people I'm 24. And to add to this, I finally just feel like I am no longer in a time warp. For instance, last fall, of 2012, I would be talking to friends and would draw upon memories from fall of 2011 and think of them as if they have just happened a week ago. Truly a weird experience I have never had happen before. Towards the end of 2012 I finally felt as though I had gotten a handle on everything I had to deal with that year. Tackling my depression, finishing all paperwork/responsibilities of the estate, getting this homeowner-ship thing down and still handling work. As most people saw the turn of the year as just another holiday, I really had my mind set on making 2013 the year I took my life back. I remember back when all this was happening that I was just going to knock it out, get through it and continue. But as I soon saw, that wasn't the case. And when you are not in your normal mindset, your sense of control over you life seems to elude you. A pretty difficult thing in itself. 

The good news is that I've learned a lot since that horrible day last February. And to come full circle, in a way, my statement I made earlier, feeling as though I had died too, seemed all the more true. But this time, in the positive sense. I'm not necessarily saying I've become a radically different person from who I was back before this all happened, But I am a much stronger person, and much more grounded in whats important to me. When someone as close and as dear as your father passes, it's very easy to question everything in life. Get caught up in small things and worry about the nitty gritty, and really be brought down by all that's wrong in the world. But really, after going through what I consider going Hell and back, its pretty easy to shrug off the small shit and know what truly is worth putting energy towards.

With all that being said, I can't begin to explain how happy I am to be back living my life. Something my Dad always wanted. This will probably be the deepest post I'll do again, although I can't promise. But then again, it's my blog, about my life, so, deal with it. 

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